How do you start a blog post about something incredibly personal and yet widely experienced? What's an opening line that fits this kind of an article? I don't know. There's my opening- I don't exactly know how to talk about this, but somehow it seems necessary. So many of us will be exposed to post-partum depression in our lives, either personally or through a friend, that it seems to warrant acknowledgement. And exploration. And personalization.
Sneaky. That's how I would describe this experience with PPD. If you had asked me how I was doing, right up until last week I would have said, "Awesome!" People did ask, and that is what I said. I wasn't trying to fake it, or hide anything, I just really didn't know how to describe the way I felt. So much of life right now is, in fact, awesome. My husband and I are truly in love. My toddler is potty-trained. My new baby is about as pleasant as could be, and just so beautiful. Those are simple facts, and it seems like facts should be enough to create happiness. Apparently...not.
I finally started talking to my mentor last week about how I was feeling, and putting words to it suddenly made me realize that things were not normal. Disconnected. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Disinterested. Like my new baby and I didn't know each other, in an uncomfortable way. As I spoke, I realized that I had been pushing these feelings down because I hoped they would just go away. Because I was embarrassed. Because feeling them somehow made it seem worse. Talking with my husband was the next important step. He could see when things had changed in me and offer a very literal shoulder to cry on. Which I did. Not a pity party life is miserable cry, but a soul searching "Please make sense" cry. The final piece of the puzzle came when I got to speak to a maternal health nurse at a follow up appointment now that baby girl is 8 weeks old. Hearing the words out loud somehow made it better. "It sounds like you're dealing with post-partum depression." Oddly liberating, it gave me a sense that I wasn't alone or helpless.
As I've thought about my meeting with her, conversations with others, and prayers in the past few days, here are the reflections I would most like to share.
First, hormones are real and powerful. Bodies are run by these little suckers, and the ones that dominate the female body can wreak havoc! All of us have felt PMS. We've all gotten "hangry" before; that's body chemistry influencing your behavior. PPD is all of that, magnified. It's a process of hormones sending signals to your brain that are totally out of sync with reality, thoughts like, "I don't like my baby all that much" are very typical for this condition. But because of your body chemistry, you struggle to identify that this is not real, that it's a lie.
Second, hormones are also an incredibly effective tool of God's to help me search my heart in deep dark crevices that would otherwise remain unexplored. Have you ever prayed with the psalmist, "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts" (Psalm 139:23) ? Have you ever wondered how you will know if He is finding thoughts in there that need to change? Well, He will show you. The more I experience the hormonal trials of pregnancy and the post-partum season, the more I become convinced that they are a way that God gives me a brief window into my heart. He reminds me of how desperately I need my Savior. Hormones are certainly responsible for creating some of these lies, but they are also like a squeezing hand that is bringing some of my heart's yuckiness to the surface that was there long before PPD came into the picture. It's like Jesus teaches us in his Sermon on the Mount, that "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45b) Thank the Lord that He is kind and doesn't make these seasons last forever! For most women, it doesn't last longer than 40ish weeks. For some of us, it goes on for a while longer after baby is born. But the squeeze won't always be there. When it is, get on your knees and get through.
You see, weakness is not the enemy. I've always wanted to be so strong, so capable, so dependable. Falling on my knees to worship is foreign to my heart - I love the idea of standing with arms outstretched, but brokenness is terrifying. Doesn't it mean that I'm too weak to do any good? "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:17) Apparently, God views this brokenness as highly valuable - in fact, it makes me more usable! This "kingdom irony" has been my third lesson.
Twice this week I have been told, by personal and business mentors, that challenges are necessary for a productive, growing life. We all want to get wiser, better, stronger. That simply isn't possible without hardship to overcome! Think about what God says in Ezekiel 36:26, "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Does that sound like a painless process to you? Me neither. Stone doesn't move easily, and everyone knows that a surgical site is a painful wound while it is healing. For those who would prefer a kitchen analogy, think about meat. As Wikipedia explains, "In cooking, tenderizing is breaking down collagens in meat to make it more palatable. There are a number of ways to tenderize meat: mechanical tenderization, such as pounding, piercing, or even explosives...etc" (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tenderizing). So when Peter writes, "Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind," in 1 Peter 3:8, suddenly a tender heart becomes a vivid image of what happens after pounding, piercing, or even explosions! In this case, God's end is worth His means - think about what Peter promises just a little later in 1 Peter 5:10, "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." Lesson four - it's worth the pain.
Lesson five - Everyone's experience is valid. I tend to think that I should minimize my struggle because it hasn't seemed as bad as other ladies I know. That's true, in one sense. Many women wouldn't label their experience as "sneaky", but "grotesquely obvious". But again, God speaks to this issue. "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief." (Proverbs 14:13) So it's really almost never appropriate to say, "I know exactly how you feel," because someone else's feelings are a mystery, probably even to her. Or you may feel isolated because you can hide your pain. BUT just because a friend may not be able to exactly understand your struggle, it is likely that she can relate in some way, and sharing your struggle can be helpful. Not if either of you is pretending that you have precisely the same battle to fight, but by acknowledging that you are both in battle you may find a comrade in arms. Your struggle, right now, exactly how it's happening, is how God is working to reveal Himself to you, not someone else. So of course it's not the same struggle as your friend's. But don't overlook a friend if she is really there to help.
In fact, a circle of support may be one of your most important tools. Learning my sixth lesson has involved identifying what tools I'm using that are helpful, and sticking with them. Lots of skin to skin contact with baby can be so helpful, even bathing together. Keeping a journal of gratitude is a great discipline, and even marking down "bad" days versus "good" days to see when things are starting to get better. Proverbs, again, is full of helpful advice. For example, "Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad," (Proverbs 12:25), reminds me that I am going to respond to what I think and hear. If I dwell on anxious thoughts, big surprise - I feel "heavy". By listening to good music and healthy conversations, I feel better... Proverbs 13:12 tells me that, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." I'm no biblical scholar, but doesn't this look like God is a little bit in favor of to-do lists? Silly, I know. But really, writing down what I want to do, and doing it, instead of feeling burdened all day, lost and overwhelmed because I can't figure out where to start or how to get anything done... Well, checking off an item is like fulfilling a desire. Life-giving. The most important tool I have relied on is, apparently, cognitive behavioral therapy. I was just trying to follow God's instructions in Philippians 4:8, and the nurse identified it as a counseling method. When I am feeling things that don't seem to jive with reality, I start making myself choose to think about what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy. Telling myself that, "NO, Emily, no one is coming to get your family. Your daughter isn't mysteriously ill and somehow dying without you knowing. In fact, you are safe with your children right now. Nothing can happen to them without passing through God's hands. You are loved by God, and love him. Life under the shadow of His wings is beautiful and secure..."
Fighting that false reality has been a lesson unto itself. As we know, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (Jer 17:9). Post-partum depression seems to put the deceitfulness of our hearts into overdrive. If we were to listen to all of the lies, it would be like fulfilling the prophecy of Proverbs 14:12, "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death." You just can't believe how you feel right now. And yet it's exhausting to fight the lies. Remember, sister, if God can fight off the Egyptians for the Israelites, his promise can be true for you, too. "I will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." (Exodus 14:14). Don't let the lies coming out of your mind be the voice you hear. Quiet yourself, and watch your God do battle for you!!!
I know that I have so much more to learn, but my prayer is that, in the midst of the battle, by writing this I have offered myself as a friend and fellow fighter to even just one woman who may need it. We are not alone.
Follow me on Instagram @happyfitnessmama,
share photos of the little ones or moments that delight you, and tag them #movementofmoms
so that we can enjoy with you!
Oh - and if you like this post, then go ahead and click on of the icons below to share it!
.jpg)
